The Masters of the Universe

The Actors:

Jeld-Wen Field as Castle Greyskull

Merritt Paulson as He-Man/Prince Adam

Eric Wynalda as Skeletor

The Setting:

Thy social media beknowst as yon “Twitter”

“He comes, ensconced in flame and seeking the eternal mysteries of the inside of the fortress. It gives some kind of aura of power; it draws him, and calls to anyone who craves the power that resides within that fortress.”

Wait… Hold on a bit…… Too fantastical

“He comes, upon a fire breathing steed, bent upon destruction and the sanctity of his breed.”

Wait… Hold on a bit……Too Dragonforce

“Verily, prithee rest yon eyes upon fingers such as I bite my thumb at thee..”

Wait… Hold on a bit…… Too Shakespeare

This is a play; it is a one stage act, a plot of absurdity hashed out in modern terms with a level of pathos that would intrigue the Greeks. When did this all start? Where did this all start? Is the power of Castle Greyskull so striking that Eric Wynalda cannot resist the temptation?

Let’s recap quickly for those that don’t remember their adolescence or were born after “The Real World” started to air. Depending on which adaptation you follow, Prince Adam (otherwise known as He-MAN) son of King Randor and Queen Marlena (former rulers of the land of Eternia) lives in Castle Greyskull. This castle gives He-Man most of his supernatural abilities and physical powers. He-Man’s enemy is the ever mysterious Skeletor, described as both a “Demon from another dimension” and as well “Prince Adam’s uncle”. Skeletor is hell bent upon obtaining the power within Castle Greyskull for himself. Thus is set up a movie, cartoon series, merchandising line and comic book series with spin offs and discussions galore.

By the way… Dolph Lundgren at one point was involved…. Ask your parents about him.

Your mileage and investment in this particular story may vary and your comparisons (maybe to you the roles are reversed) may vary, but let’s be clear here. This internet conflict between Paulson and Wynalda, whether manufactured or not, has been entertaining as can be.

Paulson and Wynalda both share a bit too many characteristics to let things go and both tend to troll each other with baited words and sharpened comments. Much like He-Man and Skeletor were potentially related based upon which comic book you actually read or which morning TV show you remember.

By the by, the above comparison just made my head explode in a way that may render me incapable of finishing.

But, of course, I carry on for you loyal reader…

The Scene: Twitter

The Thrust: Needing a Job

The Parry: Interview?

Eric Wynalda – “For those who have been speculating- no was the answer in Portland – rumor stops here- no from them- not from me good luck @MerrittPaulson”

In the wilderness of Port-land, a lone man stepped to the parapets of Castle Jeld-Wen and yelled… BY THE POWER OF JELD-WEN (WINDOWS AND DOORS)!!!

Merritt Paulson – “Eric – how can “no” be an answer if you have never even had a conversation let alone an interview? I’m confused here”

The year: 2012

The Date: September 6th

The Thrust: A simple troll’s bait

Eric Wynalda – “Is it just me or does Caleb Porter resemble Lane Kiffin at USC? Lotta similarities there. Or maybe Merritt Paulson reminds me of Al Davis?”

Merritt Paulson – “Should I be worried that Eric Wynalda is obsessed with me? I have had one stalker ex-girlfriend but Eric is crazier than her. #nutjob”

Eric Wynalda – “@MerrittPaulson go ahead a file a restraining order- 972 miles should do. love what you’re doing up there- just stay up there- good luck”

Merritt Paulson – “I feel dirty even dignifying the guy. That’s it from me, Eric. Tweet away and enjoy the attention”

Certainly most of this war of attrition comes from the ability of both participants to love royally trolling the crap out of each other. Much also comes from the ability of both to think quickly and use sharpened words to attempt to injure/entertain each other.

The Scene: Détente

The Emphasis: You didn’t expect this?

The Reason: Just remember that things aren’t always what they appear

Merrit Paulson – “@Wynalda11 nice win last night. see you guys wed.”

Eric Wynalda – “@MerrittPaulson can’t wait. Bringing my son, who is 3, I always tell him “this is what soccer games are supposed to look like” gonna be fun”

This is the interesting give and take between the two, the hate and love, the round and round. Sometimes the banter resembles that of a brotherly rivalry, and sometimes the banter resembles that of a bunch of pissy kids who threw their toys of the room.

The Deal: Oh Valencia….

The Skinny: From Hell’s heart I stab at thee (or at least over a decaf skinny latte)

Eric Wynalda – “Can somebody explain to me how a kid who never practiced once needs surgery, out for a year? uh, medical? Valencia in Portland,”

Merritt Paulson – “I will explain it to you if you can learn to read before tweeting first. Seriously, you are a frickin twitter trainwreck.”

Eric Wynalda, as many of you know, is the talking head pundit of the two, allowed to roundly expound his own information to the minor masses who tune into Fox Soccer. Incidentally, at one point, Wynalda actually used to play soccer professionally. At this point, you would be hard pressed to find many people under the age of 30 who actually remember Eric suiting up next to his teammates for Club or Country. The man has simply replaced his legacy of playing with a legacy of punditry and outspoken statements.

In the end, Paulson has what every owner in MLS has that Wynalda desperately wants… That is… the Keys to Castle Greyskull.

In other words, Merritt Paulson has the ability to grant Eric Wynalda a job as a coach/general manager in Major League Soccer. The fact that Merrit Paulson or any other owner hasn’t “seen the light” and caved to Eric Wynalda’s resume is seen as an affront to that which will work.

What potentially roils Paulson is the ability of Wynalda to hoist the victory of a Wynalda-coached Cal FC team over Paulson’s own Portland Timbers in the US Open Cup. It doesn’t matter that the Timbers had a ridiculous amount of shots and even a penalty kick with which to seal the game, in the end knock out tournament soccer is a game of who won and who lost. On that night, Wynalda won, and Skeletor pranced victorious around the grounds of Castle Greyskull rattling his sword at the seat of He-Man.

Yet this back and forth will probably continue as both parties simultaneously proclaim that they will stop and then cannot resist testing that dagger once more.

The coaching carousel will turn ever more in Major League Soccer and the collective owners of MLS teams will summon their courage and shout “BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL” and Eric Wynalda will sit in his chair silently whispering “The power… will … be…… MINE!”


John Nyen writes for The Shin Guardian (it’s not as weird as this) and he has a twitter (it can be).

[post_ender]

5 thoughts on “The Masters of the Universe

  1. It is appropriate that you cast Merritt Paulson as a prince.

    Personally, I find Paulson’s behavior toward Wynalda offensive and a sign of his little-man-syndrome personality. Eric Wynalda is a US Soccer legend who was blazing trails for us long before Paulson ever deigned to get involved with soccer. When you compare Paulson and Wynalda, the first thing that should come to anyone’s mind is “Who the hell is Merritt Paulson?”

    But that’s the thing. Paulson tries to shine the spotlight on himself on the backs of others, which is what he done here in Portland on the backs of the Timbers Army, and in this case by associating himself (in a negative manner) with Wynalda. Furthermore, Paulson is trying to ingratiate himself with long-time US Soccer fans, who have earned the right to criticize Eric Wynalda due to their longevity, by mimicking us and trying to act as if he has been here all along.

    1. This idiot is not quite sure why you have so much love for a US soccer legend that most people don’t even realized played… Wynalda is a twit plain and simple. He can go stand next to the likes of Alexi Lawless and they can live in the past Al Bundy style while the rest of us move on with out lives.

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